Remember how I said I’d get back to the Lysol can. Well here we go.
So after doing this job for almost 13 years I have seen weird. Weird doesn’t bother me anymore. Weird actually has become kind of normal, sticking my hand into a tub of butt butter kind of normal. If you don't know what butt butter is, look it up. It's delightful. So how did it get to this, a Lysol can. That's how... Thee Lysol can to be exact.
Let me explain
So it was like any other day at the shop. (You'll probably hear that a lot. But seriously most days are pretty normal). But I feel like that is when the weird shit happens. It’s like saying it’s quiet in health care and then shit hits the fan. Literally I work in healthcare never ever mouth the word quiet or you’ll be arms deep in god knows what. Chasing sun downers down the hall, or being chased yourself. That’s what happens in this industry. If you say wow no weirdos today, they hear you. Like a dog whistle. They know. And they come. I’m not sure if I blew the whistle that day or if someone else did. But he heard. And he came.
So this guy walks into the shop and asks if one of us does prostate massage. Simple enough. Finger in his butt right. Sure. Why not. So I agree. How hard can it be. We go into the room and start the massage. Well the actual massage part lasted maybe five minutes. After that this guy flips over onto his back and proceeds to pull his legs towards his chest exposing his giant gaping asshole. Now when I say gaping I mean literally it was like a fucking black hole. If things went in I don’t think they would ever come out. Stephen Hawkings could’ve studied this guys ass hole just out of curiosity, it probably held the answers to time travel and shit.
Anyways gaping giant hole aside. He proceeds to scan this eyes around the room, he then focuses in on the candle in the corner of the room. “Can you put that into my ass?” He asks. “What the candle stick” I say. “No that’s decorative”. “Can you stick your hand in my ass?”
“Like my whole hand?” “Yes” he says without skipping a beat. “Um, I guess, but I need gloves”. So I proceed to open the cupboard under the sink, this is where we usually kept the gloves. Nope, no gloves. So I say “ok, hold that thought, I’m going to go grab gloves”. I leave the room and head to the storage closet where the gloves are kept. I grab a few pairs and head back into the room.
I close the door and turn back around to face him expecting to see the star gate portal staring back at me. Instead I see this guys hand wrapped around a circular shiny metal object as it thrusts into said star gate. At first I was confused. I couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening. Let alone what I was staring at. It wasn’t until I looked over at the mirror and saw the letters on the can. This dude was fucking his ass with a Lysol can.
I guess I had left the cupboard open. Along with gloves we also kept the cleaning products down there. Including, you guess it the Lysol we sprayed the beds with. Now during all this, he didn’t even bat an eye. I don’t even think he noticed me standing there completely dumb founded as to the weird fuckery that I was witnessing right in front of me. So I left the room. To be fair at that point I honestly figured my help was no longer required.
Now the what the fuck expression I had on my face must have been pretty fucking obvious because the moment I left the room the boss asked if I was ok. I said yes. She asked why I left the room. All I could say was he didn’t need me. She seemed puzzled. I explained the can, her puzzled look changed to a matching what the fuck expression.
I waited about 5 minutes and went back in, I was right he didn’t need me because when I walked in he was getting dressed. He threw a forty dollar tip on the table. Thanked me and left. When I went back into the room my eyes focused in on the now lonely can sitting on the pony wall shelf near the mirror. Oddly enough, it looked as though he had actually cleaned it. Once he had left, the boss entered the room her eyes immediately looking at the can just chilling there. Do you Lysol the Lysol can I thought? Like seriously. Is that a thing. No sooner did that thought cross my mind when I saw the boss re-enter the room with a garbage bag and tap said can into the bag. “Grab another can she said”. To this day the cleaning isle at Walmart makes me cringe.