Ghost Face in The GloryHole

Ghost Face

Oh, glory, glory…

Welcome to the glory hole.

Ever since I first laid eyes on one, I wanted one.

Not for decorating purposes.

Not because I thought it would look classy.

No.

I wanted one because I wanted to be behind it.

Stick me behind a curtain with a four-inch hole in it and I’m about as happy as a fat kid with a handful of Skittles.

I know…

It’s not everybody’s cup of tea.

The idea of kneeling behind a curtain while some random stranger pokes his random cock through a tiny hole probably isn’t high on the average ho’s bucket list.

This ho?

Hot damn.

I loved it.

Now don’t get me wrong…

The fact that they shove the money through first definitely helps.

Nothing says motivation quite like getting paid before the magic starts.

But let’s be honest…

I’ve never exactly hidden the fact that I genuinely enjoy what I do.

So…

Back to the glorious glory hole.

A few years ago I was on a work trip in Calgary and stumbled across one.

The moment I saw it I thought,

“Yep… Lethbridge needs one of these.”

Obviously.

So I came home determined to convince the boss.

Now I’d love to tell you there was some dramatic sales pitch.

That I begged.

Pleaded.

Presented a PowerPoint.

Reality?

I walked in and said,

“Hey… can I set up a glory hole and just pay the studio a room fee for everyone I… or somebody else… well… sucks?”

She looked at me.

Shrugged.

“Sure.”

That was it.

Business plan approved.

Now…

The logistics.

Honestly?

Pretty straightforward.

Curtain.

Curtain rod.

Four-inch hole.

Done.

Logistics complete.

Marketing was the fun part.

A few ads.

A little creativity.

And just like that…

Lethbridge had its first official studio glory hole.

Now before somebody says,

“There was already one…”

Yes.

I’m aware.

But ours wasn’t in the third stall of a McDonald’s bathroom before the renovations.

Little bit classier.

The very first booking was perfect.

Five minutes.

In.

Out.

Easy.

I remember thinking,

“Well… this is simple.”

“What could possibly go wrong?”

Famous.

Last.

Words.

Let me introduce you to…

Ghost Face.

It started like every other booking.

He called.

Booked his time.

I explained the etiquette.

How everything worked.

Where to come in.

The usual.

I got myself situated behind the curtain and waited.

The front door dinged.

Through the little opening I caught a glimpse of what basically looked like the Headless Horseman walking toward me.

I gave my usual greeting.

“Hey! How’s it going?”

Money through the hole first.

Then…

Well…

The rest.

Everything was going exactly as planned.

The first few minutes were completely uneventful.

Just another ordinary appointment.

Then…

He reached up.

Grabbed the curtain rod.

Side note…

Looking back…

We probably should’ve installed an actual “oh shit” handle.

The number of times that poor towel bar had already been replaced should’ve been our first clue.

And then…

It happened.

One solid yank.

BANG!

The entire curtain.

The rod.

The glory hole.

Everything.

Collapsed.

Instantly.

There I was…

Still kneeling…

Only now there wasn’t a mysterious curtain separating us.

There was just…

Me.

And him.

Making very awkward eye contact.

For about half a second I considered stopping.

Then I realized he was probably thirty seconds away from finishing anyway.

So…

I carried on.

In the dark.

Wrapped in approximately seventeen pounds of fallen curtain.

Because I’m a fucking professional.

And honestly…

What the fuck else was I supposed to do?

The show must go on.

The second everything was over…

We both completely lost it.

Rolling laughter.

Couldn’t breathe.

The entire mystery of the glory hole had disappeared in one spectacular hardware failure.

Still laughing, he reached down and offered to help untangle me from what had essentially become my fabric prison.

There I was…

Trying to stand up while somehow carrying a curtain rod like I’d just stolen it from Home Depot.

He kept apologizing.

I kept laughing.

The whole thing was so ridiculously absurd neither of us could stop.

I eventually walked him out.

As we stepped into the hallway one of the girls was standing there staring at us with the single most confused expression I’ve ever seen.

Later she told me what she’d experienced from outside the room.

First she’d heard…

“Oh my God… yes…”

Then…

A massive crash.

Followed immediately by two people laughing so hard they sounded like they were having the time of their lives.

Honestly…

I can’t even imagine what she thought had happened in there.

Needless to say…

The very next day…

I made damn sure that curtain rod was securely attached to the fucking wall.

Some lessons…

You only need to learn once.